Falling Up

Can we define Love as Trust? Do people fall out of love, or is there just a lack of trust? How does one illustrate love? How does one gain another's trust/love? Do you love someone, or just trust them? Can you trust them to love you?

Unrequited love... what is it that I want returned to me? What am I providing her with that she is not reciprocating back to me? Can I trust myself to love another? Do I trust her? Does she trust me? Do I love her? Does she love me?

Can someone trust a liar? If I lie to my boss, but show positive results; can he trust me? If I lie and tell her I love her; can she trust me? If I lie to myself enough, do I trust what I say is true? If she tells me she loves me, I trust her... but why? If I lie and tell her I love her, will she know it's a lie? Or is she just as foolish as I?

What if I lie, and say that she loves me... can it come true?

Unacceptable

Is it really that wrong for a man to show a little emotion? Do all men have to be the burly, hairy, deep-voiced, cigar-chomping, sword-wielding, battle-crying, emotion-less type for girls/guys to accept them?

I'll admit, that I am one of the few guys that likes to express my emotions (This is apparent from just reading a few of my previous entries). Due to the fact that I am such an emotional guy, especially one that likes to divulge these emotions, I do get a lot of negative criticism from guys and girls... What I don't get is; why can't a man ask to be loved? Is it really that much of a turn off for girls when a man yearns for a woman's comfort? For a man to desire a woman to actually say "I Miss You". For a guy to want to hear from his woman "I love you"?

Okay, well this is going nowhere so I'll say this; I'm that guy. I'm the guy that wants to hear "I miss you." I'm the guy that wants needs to be loved. I'm the guy that goes head over heels for a girl. I'm the guy that wants to tell the world that he's found the one. I'm the guy that gives it his all for her. I'm that guy. So if you have a problem with me... F*CK OFF

DEXTER SPOILER

So... this video is a bit of a spoiler for those of you who haven't reached season 3 of Dexter, but I just couldn't resist. This is just a great scene for any show, for anyone. For those who are caught up to Dexter, and/or for those who don't watch the show; scroll down and enjoy :)










































"Most actors toil in obscurity, never stepping into the spotlight, but if you hone your craft, work diligently, you might just find yourself cast in the role of a lifetime."

I watch this clip and for a second, I imagine that Dexter isn't Dexter, but the actor Michael C. Hall. He gives such a brilliant performance that I forget that he is playing the role of a sociopath that is incapable of expressing emotions. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks; this is Dexter Morgan talking, the serial-killer. His inner monologue solidifies the fact that it is all a lie. He considers himself an "actor." He claims to have honed his craft and worked diligently for years, and that he has finally find himself cast in a role of a lifetime.

Is Dexter finally feeling love? Or is this what he wants to feel? Does he truly consider his life an unanswered question? Or does he simply believe that this is what it feels like to be in love? Is Dexter Morgan, the serial-killer who is/was incapable of feeling... falling in love? Or is this just another event that he uses to sharpen his acting skills?

Top 5: Ways to Show You're a Gentleman

What kind of girl would fall for the self-centered slob from the pub? A real lady needs a real gentleman. Gentlemen, for centuries have been praised upon by women and men alike. Women want to be with gentlemen and men want to be gentlemen. Some guys think they know what it takes to be a gentleman; show a little attention to her and open a few doors for her and boom, you're a gentleman... I don't think so. What most men do to become gentlemen, like talking about sentimental topics, or having "girl talks" only makes them gentle men. Well here are some pointers on differentiating between the gentle man and the gentleman. Follow these steps, and you will be on your merry way to becoming a real gentleman.



1. The umbrella

Sometimes the umbrella is just not big enough to cover both of you completely. In this case, a gentleman would obviously lean the umbrella towards his lady friend. Guys, getting a little wet won't kill you, if anything it'll get you some extra points for later that night when she sees that you sacrificed a shoulder for her to be nice and dry. A true gentleman is always thinking two steps ahead.

2. Walking on the sidewalk

Most men don't know this, but making sure the woman is on the inside of the sidewalk is crucial. Don't ever let her walk closest to the street where cars are driving. Holding her hands will make her feel safe, but make sure you let her know, if there is any danger, she is farthest from it. And if there was any imminent danger from the street, you are there to protect her. Attention to minor details such as this is what distinguishes a gentleman from a gentle man.

3. The towels

Again, the gentleman is always keen on details. When a woman steps out of the shower, you should be there to hand the towels to her. I say towels and not towel because a woman needs two towels. We men just use one big towel but, we don't have those lovely long locks like Rapunzel. A woman needs a towel to dry her body and another one to wrap around her hair. Details gentlemen, details!



4. Offer your jacket

The weather seems a bit more chilly than what the weather said, and your lady friend really seems to be feeling the wind chill. No worries! Because she is with a gentleman, and he is not afraid of the cold. Offer your jacket, but NEVER let her know that you may be cold. Don't show her any signs of the weather getting to you, and don't remind her of the weather. Simply let her know you are okay, and make sure she is warm, that's all you care about.

5. Introduce her

When attending a social gathering, its your duty as a gentleman to introduce your lady friend to the rest of the crowd. It's not about flaunting her, but more about letting her feel comfortable. Having her stand next to you while you talk to your friends is rude and very disrespectful. She doesn't need to be treated like a trophy that you carry around. Make her feel comfortable, let your friends be her friends. Briefly introduce her to the others, making sure she is physically included in the conversation.

Kobe Vs LeBron?

hmmm... maybe its <3 Kobe & LeBron <3

The Lazy Roadblock

There are multiple phases in a relationship. There is the beginning phase, where one has to initiate the relationship and both must work to begin the lasting relationship. There may be gifts involved; flowers, candy... the works. This is a very exciting phase, very fun and new. There is no expectation, no pressure and no hesitation involved, only adoration and dedication. This phase is quite simple and most people understand that hard-work is a requirement for this stage.

Then we move into phase 2, which is a bit more tricky. This is the part where two people become intimate and start to feel comfortable with each other. Some people see this phase as a freebie, a stage where both partners can set their relationship on cruise-control and feel the breeze in their hair. WRONG! This is a critical phase in a relationship and here's why.

As a guy, being comfortable with a girl is the greatest feeling ever. Having someone you love be a best friend to share all your secrets with, and to talk to her about anything is a wonderful feeling. But there is a fine line between being comfortable and being lazy.

Most girls will find their mates to be lazy in this phase. The guy might start dressing differently; she will see a little less of his nice jeans and shirts, and a little more of his sweat pants and hooded sweatshirts. She will begin to analyze his actions which may seem lazy to her. Calling/texting her only twice a day, rather than every hour or so from phase one.

Whilst the girl is seeing this in her man, the man is simply in a phase of comfort. Maybe he will call her less when she's out because he trusts her. Maybe he will dress a little differently because he wants to show that it's okay for her to let her hair down too.

Obviously, the juxtaposition of the two ideas creates a conflict between the two partners. It's hard to pinpoint when this situation occurs in phase two, but its important to know the resolution; communication.

Yes, it sounds very cliche; "communication is key to a healthy relationship." But it's true! How will she ever know that he's not being lazy if she doesn't give him a chance to explain his new- unattractive- behaviors? How will he ever understand her coldness towards him if he doesn't ask?

By talking about the situation and the changes that have occurred in the relationship, both partners can properly access the problems infront of them. If the guy seems to be lazy, he needs to remember that he needs to show her as much love as he did in phase one, that just being in a relationship doesn't mean the showering of love needs to stop. He could use a little reminder himself that she is his beloved and that he would do anything for her.

She would understand that the guy's expression of comfortability is a bit odd. Then she would begin to accept his actions and understand that his motives were not to be faineant. Maybe this way, she will realize that maybe she is expecting too much from him and come to terms that she is not in the relationship for the things he did for her, but simply out of adoration for him.

So in this difficult and tricky stage of the relationship, communication is crucial. Take the time to sit down and talk it out. Don't do anything irrational, calm yourself, keep your head up, be optimistic, give each other the benefit of the doubt, and talk it out! Always remember; there IS a phase 3. Don't be lazy, and make reaching the next phase both your goals.

Feelin' Like a Million Bucks

The weather has been more or less good for the past month or so. During those nice days I tried to get outside and play basketball with some known acquaintances, but it just wasn't the same... I thought I had lost that love for basketball, lost the enthusiasm I had for the one thing I loved more than anything. But now I realize what was missing. It wasn't just that I loved the game of basketball, as it was my love for the connection I had with the people I played with.

The past month or so I have been playing, it was with people I have met playing basketball, none of whom were my actual friends, just people I've come to know on the courts playing basketball. Playing with these people turned out okay at best, but after a while, I lost interest in the game. Lost interest in playing with any of them. I just couldn't understand how these guys were having so much fun... I mean, I probably loved the game more than any of these people combined, yet I'm here miserable and they are having the time of their lives. Then it hit me... they were with their friends. None of them came alone, or with just one other person; everyone rolled at least 5-deep (lol). That's how they were able to enjoy the day so much more than I could. Being with friends- whether they sucked at the game or not- made their day that much better. I finally realized this yesterday; that friends are the key to happiness.

After spending the weekend in the city, I came home Sunday morning for Mother's Day brunch with my family. After eating a crap-load of food, I fell asleep like a pig and woke up around 1:30pm and texted everyone I knew that was back home for a nice game of basketball. Not too many people were around yet, but I got to play with kids I haven't seen in a while- Jeff, Jin, Chris and Young. In the beginning it was alright, just another day of basketball, same as always. But as we got into our 4th, 5th, 6th game... I realized it was different. I was actually enjoying it, regardless of the outcome of each game, I was having fun!

Sure, Jin wasn't able to guard Young (who drained about 12 three's) which may have lost the game. Sure Jeff had butterfingers all day lol. Sure, I played like a 12 year old and got blocked (by Chris) about 8 times. But I wasn't once upset over any of that. Normally, if I played in Tenafly or Harrington Park and got blocked even once, I'd be so pissed. And if some idiot on my team cost us the game, I'd be so frustrated and never let that kid back on my team. But yesterday was different, and it's because of the people I got to spend time with. The connection I had with these people while playing was something I was missing since winter break. Getting blocked and laughing about it brought a feeling of ease rather than angst, and even though Jin was on my team, watching him struggling to guard Young and his three-pointers was just hilarious!

Looking back to some of my earlier entries about how difficult life is, how empty I felt, or just how I was always down, seem to make sense now. I was feeling down all the time because I was missing that connection with my friends. Communication via AIM, or Facebook is one thing, but lacking that physical connection with people had made me crazy. I guess friends are what keeps me in one piece, they are what keeps me sane. I just can't wait till everyone is back for the summer. I think this might be that big pick-me-up I've been waiting for...

And to those of you who are back home for summer break. Welcome back! Lets play ball :)

500 Days of Summer

What could you possible do in a situation like that? You fall for a girl but she doesn't believe in Love, and the last thing she wants to do is find it. Everyone will probably go through a situation like this at least once in their lives. We live in a world with free speech, and where we are encouraged to be independent thinkers; some will want to fall in love, willfully searching for love. This also leaves others to simply turn the other cheek when love approaches.

He loves her, but she doesn't. She loves him, but love is just not in his vocabulary. Unrequited love? We often think of unrequited love as love that is not returned, one person loves another but the other doesn't reciprocate the love. This then leads us to believe that there cannot be a relationship with love that is unrequited, but this is false.

Love can indeed be unrequited in a relationship. Unrequited love is simply when "The beloved may or may not be aware of the admirer's deep affections." So looking at it with an open mind, unrequited love can exist within a relationship. One person loves the other, but the other is just unaware of the deep affections. The beloved who is unaware may be in the relationship for a completely different reason than the lover. Realizing this must be devastating... imagine giving everything you have into the relationship, only to have it go unnoticed by your beloved. It sounds like an unhealthy relationship, but it does happen and everyone will inevitably go through it.

No point in getting down over the realization of this circumstance, rather look beyond the situation and plan ahead; how will things go from here? Are you willing to give it 150% and gain the love of your beloved? Or did it take you too long to realize this and you have no more fuel in the tank?

If you're willing to go that extra mile to vie for that love, then good. If you're running on an empty tank, maybe it's time to get out and walk. Maybe you'll find someone that'll give you some fuel to fill that tank up (yeah, I'm really riding out this whole car-fuel-tank-analogy lol).

On the brighter side, maybe by the time you realize you've been a doormat, he/she will come around and things will start evening out. So if you're in a relationship where the love is not returned, just keep your head up and try to stay positive. Love will find its way somehow.

Oh and as for the movie... I can't wait for it! lol

Beautifully Imperfect

These two videos speak volume, and I don't think I want to ruin them with my drivel. Enjoy

Equilibrium

What does it take to have a healthy relationship? Most people will tell you that it's about teamwork; it's about two people coming together and contributing the same amount of effort and expressing an equal amount of love for one another to maintain that stable relationship. This sounds about right... but how do we get to that state of equilibrium?

Easy, two people that like each other start dating, then they will fall in love; 50/50, boom.

...I don't think so. From personal experience, I can tell you what needs to happen is for a guy to possess an ebullient love for the girl, be completely head over heels for a girl that just does not care about him (this puts us at 100/0). The guy needs to work his butt off to win her heart, the keyword here is to be: pertinacious. After much sweat and tears, he will have won the trust and heart of his beloved. From there, the two will show each other the love that is needed and will slowly, but surely reach that state of equilibrium (50/50).

When I shared this thought with a friend of mine, she insisted that I was completely wrong. That I had an erroneous view of a "healthy relationship."

Jasmine's rebuttal was that, the aforementioned situation is only the ideal situation we all seek. Realistically, she says; girls fall for the guy's commitment, the kind of commitment that really shows, when a guy gives it a 100% (pertinacious). But, in the real world, nothing remains at 100% capacity for long, and once that commitment begins to diminish (which is usually while the two are dating), so does the relationship. She is implying that the guy will give it his all til the point of exhaustion, at which point he will inevitably break/crash/burn and call it quits.

I see the validity in her rebuttal and I do agree with her view on the whole equilibrium situation, but I also disagree lol. Here is my rebuttal to your rebuttal (I'm sure there is some legal jargon for this, but I don't know it); Yes, the guy's commitment will slowly diminish, but at this point, the girl would have stepped up and displayed her share of love as well, which would keep the guy's spirits up. Once the girl even has an ounce of love to share with the guy, I think that's when the stabilization process begins. A guy's commitment/love will surely go from 100% to 90%, to 80% then to 70% and so forth, but while this is happening, the girl's 0% love, would most certainly rise a significant amount, I would hope it would rise significantly faster than the guy's going down... but my point is; at a certain point, they will meet in the middle and reach that state of equilibrium.

Is this too unlikely? Is my vision completely insane? Can this occur within the realms of our world, or is it doomed to abide in utopia?

Sacrifice...

...the only true measure of love.

I Hate You [?]

There are those rare occasions where the break-up(in a relationship) leads to a continuing and lasting friendship. However a break-up can lead to drama and animosity between two people, in this case they will often tell each other that they "Hate" one another. But is Hate the right word to use when two people truly abhor one another? People like to think that the opposite of Love is Hate, but wake up people... because it's not! Whether you just claim to simply dislike someone, or belittle them with a melange of sesquipedalian disparagement, it simply doesn't do justice.

Are you really going to tell me that sitting there forlorn and telling your girlfriends and your best buds how much you hate your ex-significant-other really illustrates your bitterness for that person? I have not been in too many relationships so I can't tell you how I handled my break-ups, but I can say that I would have made it a big deal and told everyone how much abhorrence I had for the one that broke up with me. I would explain to my friends how much I HATED her and how much the relationship sucked...

If I was as spoony and sophomoric as people think I am... but I know the difference between Love and Hate. Love is adoring someone. Love is putting her ahead of myself and my needs. Hate is discontent. How dissatisfied I am/was with the relationship- Hate and Love are not true antonyms of each other. Simply hating someone only turns into a sempiternal illusion that we cannot escape. Hate just ends up being the next stage of Love. Once you're out of love, it becomes irrelevant. However, if you are stuck in that stage of Hate, then it's just an extension of Love. Another inescapable fate. Hate is the absolute bankruptcy of love, but not the opposite of love. So then it can be said that the true antonym for Love is INDIFFERENCE.

Indifferent; Marked by no special liking or disliking of something, marked by lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern. That is the truly the opposite of Love. If I disliked someone, I wouldn't give him/her a second of my time. I wouldn't sit around looking forlorn hoping to open up to someone. I don't care if you're an award-winning raconteur, writing hate letters or telling friends how much hatred you have for her would mean victory for her. BUT, show her that you're indifferent, that you are not concerned about her, that she lacks any interesting characteristics, and you will have the lachrymose ending you so craved from her (not suggesting your goal be seeking schadenfreude). Maybe she will try to twist that knife in your back and tease you a little, or tell her friends to relay a message to you about how she might be regretting the break-up. But stay focused; show absolute disinterest in her and whatever she has to say. Display your ennui towards every possible action she might take, and it will break her heart.

So stop wasting your time thinking about how much you hate him/her, utilize your gift for vituperation against something/someone useful. Set off on a long peregrination and discover a new love.

One Final Day

If you had 24 hours to live, what would you do? We have been asked this question at least once in our lives. It's an important question and it really helps us learn more about ourselves in many ways.

"What would you do if you only had 24 hours to live?" Seems simple enough, very straight forward... If I had 24 hours to live, I would tell my parents that I love them. I would thank them for everything they've done for me over the past 20 years. I would tell my friends how much they've meant to me. I would go out and watch the sunrise/sunset. I would go for a walk and just reminisce. I would donate my money to those who need it. I would play some basketball. I would have an engaging conversation about... I don't know... about Love, with a complete stranger. I would tell a stranger to live their life to the fullest and never take anything for granted.

You would say the same exact things as me. You and I are no different. We do not live the perfect life we know we should. Ideally, we all should be living a life where we thank our parents and tell them we love them. We should all live a life where we can just take a walk and take in the beautiful day we were given. We should always have the courage and curiosity to speak to strangers and share ideas. We should always help those in need, not only in our final days of life. We tend to forget that we are not promised tomorrow. So we musn't take today for granted. Take a moment out of your busy day to remember that this day was not promised to you, and it is a gift. Remember to thank those around you, and never forget; no body ever gets tired of hearing "I love you," especially your parents.

So go... go out and play! Play in the grass with your fancy suit! Let your hair down! Blow some bubbles! Play a little soccer! Write a letter to a loved one! Say 'Hello' to a complete stranger! Dance to your favorite song! Live your life!

"Life is like a carousel, so enjoy the ride and try not to puke."

A Euphoric Mirage

I remember when I was little, I swore to myself I'd never get married. I'd never feel lonely as long as I had my Power Ranger action figures. Then, maybe a decade later, I decided that I wanted to get married, and be the best husband ever. I know, I know... a complete 180-degree turn, but I'm sure we all went through this as a child. I had an idea of what a good husband/boyfriend was, I guess from watching TV shows and hearing stories. So now, screw power rangers! I just want to be the best boyfriend/husband ever! I wanted to love another to the best of one's abilities!

I always wanted to buy my girlfriend flowers. I would see that kind of stuff on TV, and the girl receiving the flowers was always ecstatic to receive flowers. I didn't really understand why girls liked flowers so much, I never really thought it was a big deal, but whatever makes them happy I suppose. And for some reason, at a young age, I learned that there is a big difference between simply buying the flowers from a shop on the way home, and picking up some flowers from a park or a notarized florist two towns away, and that girls somehow knew the difference.

I also always wanted to make breakfast in the morning before I leave, for my significant other. I remember seeing (probably from a drama) the guy making food and leaving it out on the table/desk for the girl when she wakes up. But a good boyfriend doesn't just leave the food there. He's gotta make sure to cover that baby up so no dust gets on it. Also make sure the kitchen is clean and the sink is empty so when the girl is done eating, she has little to no work to do. He also leaves a cute little note with the meal. Probably saying something about how peaceful the girl looked while sleeping so he didn't have the heart to wake her from her slumber. I am the type of person that needs to witness the fruits of my labor. I can't possibly leave a delicious meal hoping she will eat it and enjoy it. Maybe I could hide in her closet and wait till she wakes up to enjoy the meal... then sneak out somehow afterward.

A good boyfriend should also know how to cook up a mean steak. I don't remember where I got this from, probably just from watching my parents. But I feel like a man needs to be able to make a good steak. Give man fire, and meat, and he shall conjure a meal fit for the Gods.

I always pictured taking my girl to a nice clean park on a sunny day, where the grass is as green as it gets. Sit on a blanket under the biggest oak tree by a big open lake and share stories while eating homemade sandwiches, maybe play the guitar and sing for the girl as she sits back and admires my singing.

My most recent desire was to be filthy rich. I want to make so much money that my girlfriend's/wife's shopping-spree can turn into a weekly event. If she wants to shop, then by all means.. shop till you drop!

I also always envisioned being so much smarter than the girl. Not implying I wanted to date a stupid girl, or girls are stupid. I mean, I always wanted the girl to look up to me. I wanted my girlfriend to look to me for information, whether it was about quantum physics or how to fold a paper-airplane. I wanted teach her new and amazing places or things. Help her open her eyes to the world and discover new challenges.

I always wanted to somehow get a room filled with candles with a table for two in the middle of the room. A nice tall candle in the middle, and a rose. The meal... of course, would be a Steak fit for the Gods! Haha! And for dessert, a nice custom made cake, or a little cupcake.

I've had these visions for maybe the past 10 years? And I'm finally starting to realize why these things only happen in TV dramas or movies... because realistically, its very difficult to achieve these things. And if it does come true, its one of those rare occasions, and that guy is the perfect catch for any girl. Because if you've got a guy who's able to do ALL this... then you've got yourself the "cutest," richest, smartest, most caring guy with A LOT of time on his hands. I'm starting to realize now, these weren't goals. These were euphoric visions of my childhood desires. In the real world, as young adults, we all know what it is we want. But we also understand that what we want is not necessarily what we can have. Every girl wants a guy like this, but is every guy capable of delivering such happiness? Call me a pessimist, or call me lazy, but I am starting to think that this childhood desire, was just a mere euphoric mirage, and this hazy vision is finally starting to clear up. Now I finally see that these aren't what bring people together. A fat juicy steak does not invoke love. Nor does a breakfast in bed help flourish a new found admiration between two people.

It's the minute things in a relationship that brings two people together, and keeps them together. It's about making each other laugh during those morose times. It's about being there for each other when one is ill. It's about being able to share anything. It's about being the shoulder to cry on. It's about knowing when to say "I Love You." Cooking for her, planning a picnic, or buying her flowers shouldn't be the only thing to do to show someone you care. These ideas were absolutely childish of me to concoct, and now I finally see the truth. The euphoric mirage of my childish desires have faded and the truth appears before me today... I just hope it's not too late.

hi Carol

Remember me last January? When you invited me to your b-day party? Haha, I thought you were so pretty. I remember that night so well... YOU caked ME! At YOUR party! So uncalled for... but I can't say I didn't like it lol. Then I remember that weekend was like our first "date." We went out to shop at GSP, we took a bunch of pics on photobooth, story of our lives haha. Then Archetypus... as usual. I remember I was always nervous with you. Those nights at the pier. I was nervous even while spending 45 minutes at 7-11 picking out the candy to take to the pier. And I was especially nervous when we would sit under that gazebo and talk, talk and talk our lives away. I learned so much more about you. How much of a caring person you are and how dedicated you are, and how focused you were, and how you were so sure of yourself. I fell for you almost immediately.

I think if we had one of those polls from high-school; "Changed the most." I think I'd definitely be the winner. I used to be the tubby Asian kid that always wore a hoody (NVOT hoody) and baggy Tommy Hilfiger jeans. I'm not sure how much I've changed in a fashion sense, but I think there's a definite change now. You've also taught me the importance of being driven. Having a goal in life. I remember not having a goal. Well, I had goals, but my goals were mostly weekly goals. Like; get an X amount of wins in Warcraft 3, or play an X number of hours of basketball a week. Now, I know what I want in life and I have a good idea of how to get it. All I care about now is achieving that goal- for myself, and for you. I want to be able to show you the man that I become. The man that you helped turn me into. Who knows, maybe I'll grow up to be a writer. Maybe I'll be a pretty successful businessman, or a lawyer. Whatever it is, I want you to be there to share that feeling of success with me. I want you to be proud of me, and I want you to see me as a respectable, admirable man.

I know I'm not the best boyfriend in the world Carol, but you must know by now that I do care about you a lot. And yes, you don't like it when I do things like this and publicize our relationship like this, but my love for you is no secret. This is for YOU, not for anybody else. And no, today is not some special day that you forgot about, so don't worry. Its just another consecutive day of

Just Shades of Grey

Been really down these days. Just can't seem to find one or two things to blame for the spiraling of my emotions. Like a child losing his puppy, or a father burying his only son. Just really deep thoughts of loss. I feel like my stocks have dropped a million points (referring to a line graph obviously). I feel like life has become a mundane ritual. Nothing I do to "spice" it up works. I try eating at new restaurants, meeting new people, expanding my horizons to reading new types of books, watching different types of movies, listening to a wider range of music... expanding my repertoire isn't the key, but what is? What is the cause of these [lack of] emotions? It's not necessarily sadness, or depression. It's that there is no emotion these days. Playing basketball is not the same, it's lost its excitement. Wing night has lost it's flavor. The thought of school ending in a short month has lost it's thrill. Driving recklessly has lost it's flair. I feel empty inside. No one has shown me anger in so long. I have not received any compassion. No sympathy. No love. I want to be longed for. I long for the feeling of being wanted. I yearn for companionship. I think I need to get away. All work and no play has got Alex all jumbled up inside.

I've tried pretty hard to be a good person. I try my best to keep people pleased, and Yes, I am a crowd-pleaser. I've worked hard to earn my money. I've worked hard to support myself and my family. And I am constantly vying to gain the respect and love of that special someone. I have also worked hard to become the person I am today. I may not be the richest, kindest, smartest, most handsome guy in the world, but I think I'm playing up to par.

Yea, I don't make 6 figures, but I make enough to pay for my own car, pay for my own clothes, afford food for myself, and I do like a nice meal in the city with my lady friend. I'm not the nicest person, especially to idiots like Young Kim and Sean Nahm, but I do care when I see a homeless person. I do care that 75% of students at BCC are there because of financial problems. I do care that people are losing money in the stock market. I do care when someone is feeling ill. I do care when someone gets a ticket. I'm far from bring the smartest person ever... but I can tell you alot of random things (I can't think of any right now, but trust me, I am random lol). And we all know, I am no model. I try to dress up and look all spiffy at times. Sometimes it works and I get some compliments, but sometimes I end up embarrassing myself for my lack of fashion knowledge. 70% of the time, my outfits are considered fashio faux pas haha... but whatever?

I guess the important thing here is that I'm trying. But one can only try so hard until he gives up. Why do I work so hard? Sure I get to eat, but then I get fat. Sure I'm kind and caring, but does anyone give me any acknowledgements for this kindness? I am intelligible in some aspects, but I dont see any rewards for this. I think it's important we as people start showing eachother some emotion. I often hear that I am TOO sensitive, especially for a guy, but what's wrong with that? Just because I'm a guy I can't care? Just because I'm a guy, I can't blog about my feelings. Well if thats what you believe, then I am the "gayest" guy ever I suppose. But let me tell you, this "gay" guy is anything buy gay (Bright or lively, especially in color), because lately, the only color I see is grey. So all the aspects that make up Alex, and my personality is just simply shades of grey.

Been searching for a while now...

for that missing piece in my life...
where is it?

Should I give up...

Or just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere...


Sometimes I just feel like giving up. Its silly because life has only just begun. I am 20 years old, how much hardship could I have possibly seen by now? And imagine how much more I have left to face down this long and desolate road.

Down and Out

Sure I can cry on your shoulders, but why would I want to do that? Why would/should I pass my burden onto you? At the end of the day, there is me, myself, and I.

So I had a pretty terrible week. I received a 20% on a quiz in my most difficult class, Calculus. I don't know why, but I just find Calculus so hard... I am struggling a lot and have had thoughts of giving up... a lot, but I'm still trying. Then my gym closes down, without any notice. Just a simple note on the door saying something about not being able to re-new the lease to the building. What does that have to do with me?! Give me my money back, and if there was a problem with the lease, let your members know ahead of time, don't just put a damn piece of paper with an apology (unless its got money for all of it's members). Then I find out I got scammed out of $215 on eBay, which left me without a phone (well, I have a phone, but its literally 6 years old). On top of that, I received a parking ticket in the city (It was my fault, I should have read the signs carefully before parking... but still lol).

All in all, a good day's work for that little brat called "Bad Luck" that likes to follow me around from time to time. I guess in a way... I have matured a bit. Maybe a year ago, or even a few months ago, I would tell everyone in the world (just my buddy list actually) that I was having a problem. I would look for sympathy from everyone/anyone I knew, but instead I am just tired. Not physically tired, but just emotionally drained(?). I am just tired of complaining. I'm tired of things not working out. Its like being wrapped in a layer of ennui. Under this layer, rests angst, and irritability. How can just four days bring so much discontent? But for some reason, I don't give a crap. I mean, life is hard... by no means do I expect everything to work out the way I want. If that were the case, I would cry my eyes out everyday because my dreams of living in a house filled with hundred dollar bills is still just a figment of my imagination lol.


Money seems to be a major topic these days. Probably because the world is pretty much failing financially. Some may know this, but my dad (who is the major bread-winner for the family) is in the automotive business... and for the past five or so years, he's been affiliated with General Motors. Which, if anyone has picked up a newspaper in the past year, would know that they are in a heap of trouble. Yes, my dad being a part of G.M and their financial situation has affect my family as well. I feel it on a personal level. So over the past year or so, money has been a major issue for me. Sure, it seems like I spend money like it grows out of my ass, but I work for it. I put in a majority of my time into working for this money I like to spend (mostly on useless luxuries). I'm not killing myself at my job, but it still takes up 30-40hours of my week, which I would LOVE to spend playing basketball, or catching up with friends, or putting all of my efforts into my academic career. But I have chosen that money is more important than some things in life. That's probably why I feel like this week has been sucking. I am failing Calculus... and it sucks not because I'm failing a course, but because I am wasting money on credits that will not even count. Getting a ticket sucks, because it costs my hard earned money! And getting scammed sucks because I got NOTHING for my hard earned $215!

"They say money can't buy happiness. Look at the fucking smile on my face! Ear to ear baby!" (From the movie: BoilerRoom. Which I highly recommend to anyone) That is the life I want to live. I've heard that money isn't the most important thing in life... this may be true, but to me, it's one of the top three. And if you tell me it's not on your top three, then you're a liar. My money got me my $300 jeans. My money got me my Infiniti G35 Coupe. My money got me my $200 Armani necklace. Money DOES buy happiness. You all shoulda seen my face when I got my G. Or my face when I purchased my first nice piece of jewelry. "Ear to ear baby!"

Though I may seem like a pompous, money-hungry asshole, it's taught me the valuable lesson of moderation. Spending in moderation. I know, I splurge unnecessarily, but when I need to save, I save baby! I've told myself I will NEVER get into debt. That's why you will never see me asking anyone for money. I'd rather starve than ask someone for a dollar for a pop-tart. I'd rather walk than ask someone to borrow busfare. This is a valuable lesson, one that I wish to have learned years ago, when I would spend my parents' hard earned money on the most irrelevant, useless things. I remember not eating lunch for like a month to save up for a GameBoy, which I played with for about five days. I now the importance of money, and the monetary value of everything. Money makes the world go around, money makes me happy, keeps us all happy.

So am I happy right now? I'm pretty emotionless right now actually... I have some money in the bank so I can afford to pay off this ticket, and I can afford to take the $215 loss as a lesson learned. But what erks me is the fact that it happened to me. Getting scammed is like someone spitting on my face. I feel like this seller walked into my home, tracking mud throughout my house, walking into my room and spitting in my face. And all I can do is watch. That is what bothers me the most. The ticket, not so much. I pretty much went into somebody's house and used their toilet, and now i'm paying for leaving a mess... lol. That's how I see it. So with all these emotions running crazy throughout the past four days, I am just drained. No emotion left to express. No sense of anger left. No more sadness to mope in. I'm just down... and out.