LIFE IS HARD

I've been at it 20 years now, and it's still like a kick in the mouth. I don't know what it is; maybe I'm just naive, and I wake up expecting life to be easy or something, but everyday it's like drinking a glass of sour milk in the morning. It's always the same carton of milk, but I keep thinking "maybe today it'll be okay."

There have been many times in my life where I just wanted to call it quits. I guess that makes me weak. 20 years in and already calling it quits? But lately I can't help but feel like I'm walking towards a wall. Everything may appear fine and dandy; clear blue skies and luscious green grass, but just ahead of me stands a great big wall ready to stop me at my tracks. I want to avoid this wall of course, but I can't get off this conveyor belt.

Writing seems to be the only remedy to the blues. I guess it's because as I sit here typing away, the keyboard isn't going to tell me that I'm boring, and to change the subject. The monitor isn't going to turn itself off (my computer might, because my computer is as old as balls and keeps turning off on me lately) and say "cry me a river." But the state of melancholy that I have recently been in is slowly building a tolerance to this remedy of writing. I am running out of things to do, things to keep my mind wandering long enough to forget about the struggles.

I used to think it was luck. I was just an unlucky kid, no matter what I did, my misfortunes would kick me in the ass. Then I thought maybe it was karma. Maybe all those childhood years of being a malevolent jackass has finally caught up to me. I believed this so much that I remember for about a month or two, I went to all those I had wronged and apologized, asking for forgiveness- it didn't work.

Some people might mention seeking the aid of a higher power. Trust in Christ and have faith and he will save me. But, I'm not going to just start praying to God to help me get over this. "Help me with ____ and I will worship you forever." That mentality seems so played out- so fake. I don't want to subject myself to that.

So what can I do? A friend once said to me "its a little bit better/greener when you have a partner in crime." Implying that things are better when you've got that significant other. And yes, it's better. I wouldn't know what I'd do if I didn't have someone like Carol to help me through some of the stuff I go through. But at the same time, there is only so much she can do for me. I think I've reached that point where I am officially lost.

I don't know where I am, how I got here, and I definitely have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing. I think I know where I want to go, and I have an idea of how to get there. But where do I begin? Now... I'm not expecting anyone to hold my hand and guide me through life, that's definitely not what I am implying. I guess, like most of my blog entries, I'm just stating the obvious. That life isn't all about shits and giggles. It's about hard work- dedication, commitment and will power. And if you don't got that... then peace. Because you don't got what it takes to live.

And for those who actually might have a smidgen of a soul and care about me... don't worry, I'm not gonna kill myself. And I think I can go without having 15 people trying to give me life lessons. I just wanted to write this for me. Maybe-hopefully, one day I can look back on this thing and see how much of an idiot I was. Depressed over such sophomoric things. Maybe I can look back on this when I'm older, maybe when I'm a little more successful and see that during what I believed to have been the worst times in my life, I was never completely in the darkness. That the light at the end of the tunnel is always present, and all it takes to get out of it is a little motivation, a little dedication, and a nice hard slap in the face.

Face... meet Hand. Hand... say hello to Face