Been really down these days. Just can't seem to find one or two things to blame for the spiraling of my emotions. Like a child losing his puppy, or a father burying his only son. Just really deep thoughts of loss. I feel like my stocks have dropped a million points (referring to a line graph obviously). I feel like life has become a mundane ritual. Nothing I do to "spice" it up works. I try eating at new restaurants, meeting new people, expanding my horizons to reading new types of books, watching different types of movies, listening to a wider range of music... expanding my repertoire isn't the key, but what is? What is the cause of these [lack of] emotions? It's not necessarily sadness, or depression. It's that there is no emotion these days. Playing basketball is not the same, it's lost its excitement. Wing night has lost it's flavor. The thought of school ending in a short month has lost it's thrill. Driving recklessly has lost it's flair. I feel empty inside. No one has shown me anger in so long. I have not received any compassion. No sympathy. No love. I want to be longed for. I long for the feeling of being wanted. I yearn for companionship. I think I need to get away. All work and no play has got Alex all jumbled up inside.
I've tried pretty hard to be a good person. I try my best to keep people pleased, and Yes, I am a crowd-pleaser. I've worked hard to earn my money. I've worked hard to support myself and my family. And I am constantly vying to gain the respect and love of that special someone. I have also worked hard to become the person I am today. I may not be the richest, kindest, smartest, most handsome guy in the world, but I think I'm playing up to par.
Yea, I don't make 6 figures, but I make enough to pay for my own car, pay for my own clothes, afford food for myself, and I do like a nice meal in the city with my lady friend. I'm not the nicest person, especially to idiots like Young Kim and Sean Nahm, but I do care when I see a homeless person. I do care that 75% of students at BCC are there because of financial problems. I do care that people are losing money in the stock market. I do care when someone is feeling ill. I do care when someone gets a ticket. I'm far from bring the smartest person ever... but I can tell you alot of random things (I can't think of any right now, but trust me, I am random lol). And we all know, I am no model. I try to dress up and look all spiffy at times. Sometimes it works and I get some compliments, but sometimes I end up embarrassing myself for my lack of fashion knowledge. 70% of the time, my outfits are considered fashio faux pas haha... but whatever?
I guess the important thing here is that I'm trying. But one can only try so hard until he gives up. Why do I work so hard? Sure I get to eat, but then I get fat. Sure I'm kind and caring, but does anyone give me any acknowledgements for this kindness? I am intelligible in some aspects, but I dont see any rewards for this. I think it's important we as people start showing eachother some emotion. I often hear that I am TOO sensitive, especially for a guy, but what's wrong with that? Just because I'm a guy I can't care? Just because I'm a guy, I can't blog about my feelings. Well if thats what you believe, then I am the "gayest" guy ever I suppose. But let me tell you, this "gay" guy is anything buy gay (Bright or lively, especially in color), because lately, the only color I see is grey. So all the aspects that make up Alex, and my personality is just simply shades of grey.
This is how I feel today. Empty. I'm over being angry. I'm so over being depressed. I am over being disappointed. I think I've learned that life is difficult and no one just hands you a lemon to make lemonade... that's just preposterous! And if some stranger does offer you a lemon, it's either the most sour lemon ever, or its just straight up poison.
yummy yummy yummy nomnomnom :)
