The Pursuit

After that comment from "Scrub" about the film Pursuit of Happyness, I was tempted to look up the ending of the movie on Youtube. I've seen the movie before, but at a time in my life where, frankly, it didn't mean anything to me. I was in high-school and sadly, I didn't have any aspirations, or big goals in my life, just finish high-school and begin the next level of education.

After watching the movie's emotional ending, I couldn't help but watch more. I started going through all of the related clips. Then I came across the one above. Whether or not Chris Gardner actually said that to his son, or it's just something Hollywood conjured up to get a message across in this movie, I'll probably never know. However, the message is there; it's real, and it's certainly something to think about.

"Don't ever let somebody tell you, you can't to something. You got a dream, you gotta protect it. People can't do something themselves, they wanna tell you that you can't do it. You want something? Go get it. Period."

So when I watched this movie, I didn't think much of it. I just thought of it as some guy that was going through some difficulties in his life, and he finally got a break. But, I guess I really have matured over the last 3 years, because thinking about that just makes me want to punch myself in the face. This guy didn't just get a break, he didn't just sit around begging others for help, he took the initiative and did what he needed to do for his child and himself. He was proactive and worked his ass off! And now he's living his life the way he should. Luck has nothing to do with the success of Chris Gardner.

I envy anyone who can consistently live with that mentality. The mentality; "if you want something, go get it. Period." I mean, if I want something, I work for it, but I can only go to a certain point. I've wanted/needed a new laptop for the past 2 years, and I do occasionally bust my ass here at work, vying for sales commission in order to feed the piggy bank. But apparently, I don't have that drive. Because I've been working for 2 years, and I still don't have enough for a laptop. Actually... maybe this simply illustrates my irresponsible spending habits, but regardless, If I had the motivation to get what I wanted, I'd be able to get the laptop and still be able to spend money on whatever I wanted.

I need that motivation to strive for the next level. To strive for success. Everybody has dreams and aspirations to do something or become someone. I don't dream of becoming the richest man on Earth, or the most significant figure in the world; I just want to write. My dream is to write for Engadget. Some may find this stupid, and immature for wanting to write about toys. Sure, I won't be making six-figures, and I probably won't be living in the biggest house in the neighborhood, but I will be doing something I love, and no matter what anybody says to me, they can't take that away from me. "Do something you love, and you won't have to work a day in your life." That's a little more endearing to me than making six-figures... So, it's time for me to step up and protect my dream[s]. To do whatever it takes to reach my goal[s]. It's never too late or too early for The Pursuit.

Beautifully Imperfect

These two videos speak volume, and I don't think I want to ruin them with my drivel. Enjoy

Equilibrium

What does it take to have a healthy relationship? Most people will tell you that it's about teamwork; it's about two people coming together and contributing the same amount of effort and expressing an equal amount of love for one another to maintain that stable relationship. This sounds about right... but how do we get to that state of equilibrium?

Easy, two people that like each other start dating, then they will fall in love; 50/50, boom.

...I don't think so. From personal experience, I can tell you what needs to happen is for a guy to possess an ebullient love for the girl, be completely head over heels for a girl that just does not care about him (this puts us at 100/0). The guy needs to work his butt off to win her heart, the keyword here is to be: pertinacious. After much sweat and tears, he will have won the trust and heart of his beloved. From there, the two will show each other the love that is needed and will slowly, but surely reach that state of equilibrium (50/50).

When I shared this thought with a friend of mine, she insisted that I was completely wrong. That I had an erroneous view of a "healthy relationship."

Jasmine's rebuttal was that, the aforementioned situation is only the ideal situation we all seek. Realistically, she says; girls fall for the guy's commitment, the kind of commitment that really shows, when a guy gives it a 100% (pertinacious). But, in the real world, nothing remains at 100% capacity for long, and once that commitment begins to diminish (which is usually while the two are dating), so does the relationship. She is implying that the guy will give it his all til the point of exhaustion, at which point he will inevitably break/crash/burn and call it quits.

I see the validity in her rebuttal and I do agree with her view on the whole equilibrium situation, but I also disagree lol. Here is my rebuttal to your rebuttal (I'm sure there is some legal jargon for this, but I don't know it); Yes, the guy's commitment will slowly diminish, but at this point, the girl would have stepped up and displayed her share of love as well, which would keep the guy's spirits up. Once the girl even has an ounce of love to share with the guy, I think that's when the stabilization process begins. A guy's commitment/love will surely go from 100% to 90%, to 80% then to 70% and so forth, but while this is happening, the girl's 0% love, would most certainly rise a significant amount, I would hope it would rise significantly faster than the guy's going down... but my point is; at a certain point, they will meet in the middle and reach that state of equilibrium.

Is this too unlikely? Is my vision completely insane? Can this occur within the realms of our world, or is it doomed to abide in utopia?

The Most Important Lesson...

What exactly is this telling us? That in life, we only have people that are greedy? That people are always looking for the answer, but never willing to share it? That in life, we need to fight for everything? Maybe it just simply means... that the answer to life is never that easy, and that the answers to life cannot be given, but must be vied for.

"By suffering comes wisdom"

What do you think?

Gameplan

So there hasn't been much going on lately... Not much on my mind either, which is sad.

"The mind is a terrible thing to waste."

I know that quote means to actually do something with your life, like, go to school and stuff, but I currently feel like I am wasting my mind. I like to believe that I am someone that likes to talk, someone with a lot on his mind, and to have been silenced, by the mundane rituals of everyday life seems like a tragedy. I have been striped of my youthful imagination and in its place is a black and white photograph depicting the rest of my life; one long routine- til my ultimate demise.

I should really stop being that "glass is half empty" kind of guy, but is it better to just lie? To tell myself that only the opposite is true. Or is ignorance the way to go? Does ignorance really bring a blissful life? I look at Young and Sean- ignorant as any can possibly be- and at times I am jealous. Jealous of the lifestyles they live. To them the smallest things bring them joy, much like a child. The look in Young's eyes when he gets chicken and rice in the city can only be compared to a child getting a puppy for Christmas. Sean could care less about his physical appearance; it shows in the clothes he wears everyday. Now, I'm not saying I wanna all of a sudden turn into an ignorant fool, or dress like a child, I just envy their simple lives.

Remember those days where homework only took 30minutes to finish? When staying up all night was an option, not a necessity? When if your crush even looked at you he/she made your day? When going to school only meant you were going to see your friends. What about when summer vacation meant summer vacation, not more hours at work?

I definitely miss those days. But it's unfair to say that life has turned for the worst, no, not unfair, but selfish. And proclaiming a life of ignorance would be better than the life I have today, is a weak and shameful view on life. Change is inevitable. Change can most definitely be good too! Most of you that know me, know full well that I have changed a lot. I won't get into too much detail, because I've told this story way too much... but I went from that Young Kim-esque, indifferent Alex Kang, to a more well-rounded, acute, [at times] romantic Alex Kang. Like anything else in this world, there are pros and cons. I just need to come to terms with the cons and realize that the pros outweigh the cons. Living an ignorant life won't bring me joy, I'd just be lying to myself. Living a hateful life won't do it either, obviously.

You must be asking yourself now, "so what do we do?!"

What do we do? We can only prepare ourselves for the transformation ahead. Some have already come to terms with this and successfuly segued into their newly found lives. For those of us who have not done so, we have to mentally and emotionally prepare ourselves for the peregrination ahead. Accept the fact that our majors may not affect our careers later on. Accept the fact that "play-time" is near extinction. Accept the fact that it takes WORK not luck to get through this world. Once you have achieved this, then comes the joyful views of life. Life will shine and we will bask in the light of our blissful lives... so let it happen. Take the initiative: prepare yourselves for the transformation ahead, accept it, grab a seat, and enjoy the show, because it's gonna be a long one...

Sacrifice...

...the only true measure of love.

I Hate You [?]

There are those rare occasions where the break-up(in a relationship) leads to a continuing and lasting friendship. However a break-up can lead to drama and animosity between two people, in this case they will often tell each other that they "Hate" one another. But is Hate the right word to use when two people truly abhor one another? People like to think that the opposite of Love is Hate, but wake up people... because it's not! Whether you just claim to simply dislike someone, or belittle them with a melange of sesquipedalian disparagement, it simply doesn't do justice.

Are you really going to tell me that sitting there forlorn and telling your girlfriends and your best buds how much you hate your ex-significant-other really illustrates your bitterness for that person? I have not been in too many relationships so I can't tell you how I handled my break-ups, but I can say that I would have made it a big deal and told everyone how much abhorrence I had for the one that broke up with me. I would explain to my friends how much I HATED her and how much the relationship sucked...

If I was as spoony and sophomoric as people think I am... but I know the difference between Love and Hate. Love is adoring someone. Love is putting her ahead of myself and my needs. Hate is discontent. How dissatisfied I am/was with the relationship- Hate and Love are not true antonyms of each other. Simply hating someone only turns into a sempiternal illusion that we cannot escape. Hate just ends up being the next stage of Love. Once you're out of love, it becomes irrelevant. However, if you are stuck in that stage of Hate, then it's just an extension of Love. Another inescapable fate. Hate is the absolute bankruptcy of love, but not the opposite of love. So then it can be said that the true antonym for Love is INDIFFERENCE.

Indifferent; Marked by no special liking or disliking of something, marked by lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern. That is the truly the opposite of Love. If I disliked someone, I wouldn't give him/her a second of my time. I wouldn't sit around looking forlorn hoping to open up to someone. I don't care if you're an award-winning raconteur, writing hate letters or telling friends how much hatred you have for her would mean victory for her. BUT, show her that you're indifferent, that you are not concerned about her, that she lacks any interesting characteristics, and you will have the lachrymose ending you so craved from her (not suggesting your goal be seeking schadenfreude). Maybe she will try to twist that knife in your back and tease you a little, or tell her friends to relay a message to you about how she might be regretting the break-up. But stay focused; show absolute disinterest in her and whatever she has to say. Display your ennui towards every possible action she might take, and it will break her heart.

So stop wasting your time thinking about how much you hate him/her, utilize your gift for vituperation against something/someone useful. Set off on a long peregrination and discover a new love.

One Final Day

If you had 24 hours to live, what would you do? We have been asked this question at least once in our lives. It's an important question and it really helps us learn more about ourselves in many ways.

"What would you do if you only had 24 hours to live?" Seems simple enough, very straight forward... If I had 24 hours to live, I would tell my parents that I love them. I would thank them for everything they've done for me over the past 20 years. I would tell my friends how much they've meant to me. I would go out and watch the sunrise/sunset. I would go for a walk and just reminisce. I would donate my money to those who need it. I would play some basketball. I would have an engaging conversation about... I don't know... about Love, with a complete stranger. I would tell a stranger to live their life to the fullest and never take anything for granted.

You would say the same exact things as me. You and I are no different. We do not live the perfect life we know we should. Ideally, we all should be living a life where we thank our parents and tell them we love them. We should all live a life where we can just take a walk and take in the beautiful day we were given. We should always have the courage and curiosity to speak to strangers and share ideas. We should always help those in need, not only in our final days of life. We tend to forget that we are not promised tomorrow. So we musn't take today for granted. Take a moment out of your busy day to remember that this day was not promised to you, and it is a gift. Remember to thank those around you, and never forget; no body ever gets tired of hearing "I love you," especially your parents.

So go... go out and play! Play in the grass with your fancy suit! Let your hair down! Blow some bubbles! Play a little soccer! Write a letter to a loved one! Say 'Hello' to a complete stranger! Dance to your favorite song! Live your life!

"Life is like a carousel, so enjoy the ride and try not to puke."

Somebody save me...

I couldn't help but overhear two incredibly mysterious creatures in their natural habitat. Their senseless conversation simply boggles the mind. Both specimens are complete enigmas and an attempt to uncover the motive behind their actions renders useless and only ensues angst. I can only try to endure the pain and not lose my sanity during this debauchery. I thank God it lasted but a few minutes...

Tuesday April 14th, 2009
9:45 AM

"Oh Did you hear? Justin Timberlake went to Las Vegas without [Jessica] Biel"

"What? Who's that?"




"Oh you didn't hear? JT (He actually said "Jay-Tee") went to Las Vegas without Biel, his wife or something."



"..."




"Oh and I heard that Chris Brown is dating a girl now..."

".......ahhhahahahahah(laughter ensued for approximately 30 excruciatingly uncomfortable seconds)"





-Question:

Why do both these baboons laugh at Chris Brown's relationships situation?
Why does Sean think that Young Kim might care of the whereabouts of Justin Timberlake?
Why/How does Sean know this?
Who/What can save me from this hellish place?

-EDIT
For those of you who have not read my previous post about these two, the picture that looks like a gorilla is Sean Nahm and the other kid is Young Kim, two idiots I work with.

A Euphoric Mirage

I remember when I was little, I swore to myself I'd never get married. I'd never feel lonely as long as I had my Power Ranger action figures. Then, maybe a decade later, I decided that I wanted to get married, and be the best husband ever. I know, I know... a complete 180-degree turn, but I'm sure we all went through this as a child. I had an idea of what a good husband/boyfriend was, I guess from watching TV shows and hearing stories. So now, screw power rangers! I just want to be the best boyfriend/husband ever! I wanted to love another to the best of one's abilities!

I always wanted to buy my girlfriend flowers. I would see that kind of stuff on TV, and the girl receiving the flowers was always ecstatic to receive flowers. I didn't really understand why girls liked flowers so much, I never really thought it was a big deal, but whatever makes them happy I suppose. And for some reason, at a young age, I learned that there is a big difference between simply buying the flowers from a shop on the way home, and picking up some flowers from a park or a notarized florist two towns away, and that girls somehow knew the difference.

I also always wanted to make breakfast in the morning before I leave, for my significant other. I remember seeing (probably from a drama) the guy making food and leaving it out on the table/desk for the girl when she wakes up. But a good boyfriend doesn't just leave the food there. He's gotta make sure to cover that baby up so no dust gets on it. Also make sure the kitchen is clean and the sink is empty so when the girl is done eating, she has little to no work to do. He also leaves a cute little note with the meal. Probably saying something about how peaceful the girl looked while sleeping so he didn't have the heart to wake her from her slumber. I am the type of person that needs to witness the fruits of my labor. I can't possibly leave a delicious meal hoping she will eat it and enjoy it. Maybe I could hide in her closet and wait till she wakes up to enjoy the meal... then sneak out somehow afterward.

A good boyfriend should also know how to cook up a mean steak. I don't remember where I got this from, probably just from watching my parents. But I feel like a man needs to be able to make a good steak. Give man fire, and meat, and he shall conjure a meal fit for the Gods.

I always pictured taking my girl to a nice clean park on a sunny day, where the grass is as green as it gets. Sit on a blanket under the biggest oak tree by a big open lake and share stories while eating homemade sandwiches, maybe play the guitar and sing for the girl as she sits back and admires my singing.

My most recent desire was to be filthy rich. I want to make so much money that my girlfriend's/wife's shopping-spree can turn into a weekly event. If she wants to shop, then by all means.. shop till you drop!

I also always envisioned being so much smarter than the girl. Not implying I wanted to date a stupid girl, or girls are stupid. I mean, I always wanted the girl to look up to me. I wanted my girlfriend to look to me for information, whether it was about quantum physics or how to fold a paper-airplane. I wanted teach her new and amazing places or things. Help her open her eyes to the world and discover new challenges.

I always wanted to somehow get a room filled with candles with a table for two in the middle of the room. A nice tall candle in the middle, and a rose. The meal... of course, would be a Steak fit for the Gods! Haha! And for dessert, a nice custom made cake, or a little cupcake.

I've had these visions for maybe the past 10 years? And I'm finally starting to realize why these things only happen in TV dramas or movies... because realistically, its very difficult to achieve these things. And if it does come true, its one of those rare occasions, and that guy is the perfect catch for any girl. Because if you've got a guy who's able to do ALL this... then you've got yourself the "cutest," richest, smartest, most caring guy with A LOT of time on his hands. I'm starting to realize now, these weren't goals. These were euphoric visions of my childhood desires. In the real world, as young adults, we all know what it is we want. But we also understand that what we want is not necessarily what we can have. Every girl wants a guy like this, but is every guy capable of delivering such happiness? Call me a pessimist, or call me lazy, but I am starting to think that this childhood desire, was just a mere euphoric mirage, and this hazy vision is finally starting to clear up. Now I finally see that these aren't what bring people together. A fat juicy steak does not invoke love. Nor does a breakfast in bed help flourish a new found admiration between two people.

It's the minute things in a relationship that brings two people together, and keeps them together. It's about making each other laugh during those morose times. It's about being there for each other when one is ill. It's about being able to share anything. It's about being the shoulder to cry on. It's about knowing when to say "I Love You." Cooking for her, planning a picnic, or buying her flowers shouldn't be the only thing to do to show someone you care. These ideas were absolutely childish of me to concoct, and now I finally see the truth. The euphoric mirage of my childish desires have faded and the truth appears before me today... I just hope it's not too late.

Ear to ear baby!

From what I heard on the news, we are currently building a debt of $1.3Trillion per year. So within 10 years, we will have increased our debt to over $13T. Again, thats $13,000,000,000,000! But currently, with the bailout of our biggest banks and auto companies, we seem to be an $11,000,000,000,000 debt. I believe this is looking ahead to all the investments we WILL soon to make with the stimulus plan and whatnot, but that's a lot of money. The estimated population in the United States is 30,000,000, so that means each citizen's share of the debt comes to approx $360,000. Wow... so do we really need to be under such a deficit for an ill-managed corporation? Do we really need to pay for the consequences of a corporate mishap?

Making $500 a week, and living with my parents, I don't see much of my money going out of pocket. I pay for my car, food... and that's about it. The rest of it sits in the bank or in my wallet for my own spending. Even if you're making well over a million dollars right now, could you really sit back and have a smile from ear to ear?

Our country is in a major jam right now (Understanding the Crisis). I'm sure anyone knows this, and everyone can say that they are affected by it one way or another. I am affected by it because my father has been in the auto business ever since I moved to the United States, over 15 years ago. I know its affecting others too because, my father wasn't alone at his company. He told me a few months ago, about a manager with 20+ years experience was let go. Driving to and from work I pass by some corporate buildings, some insurance company, I think it was New Jersey Insurance Company, or whatever. I've been driving past that place for the last two years, and finally I've noticed this week that the building has been vacant. The lights were on inside today, and looking in, there was nothing left. Not a single cabinet, or a single desk. Maybe they are relocating to a bigger, better facility. Or maybe, in lieu of the economy, the company had to downsize this branch and merge with another, which means that up to even 100 people could have lost their jobs, and unemployed, and unable to support the family. A manager with 20+ years experience, or a recently hired secretary, to a non-paid intern could have lost their jobs. So what chance does a kid straight outta college have? Who's going to give the college grad a break?

I think in such a time, it is crucial to recruit as many "willing" and "able" bodies. Maybe Goldman Sachs should lower their standards, maybe Citi could lower their expectations and keep a few more employees around. Whatever the method, I think this is the time for students to step up. It's time to put in the effort to revive what's left of this country. For those who are currently employed to take a salary cut, and for those expected to work for a top banking firm, to work for a tier 2 firm... that's what we need from everyone. A little less greed, and a little more teamwork. Maybe the richest 1% will only posess 40% of the nation's wealth, rather than the current 50%. Maybe the money will trickle down to the smaller companies, who will flourish into major corporations and help others florish as well.

The bottom line is, something needs to change. I believe the first step to do so, is to change ourselves. Maybe I don't need that $2000 bag. Maybe I won't buy that gas guzzler. I don't know, I mean, no body has the right answer... otherwise, this problem, wouldn't be much of a problem. But I realized after getting paid today, I don't have much of a reason to smile. I mean, sure, I can afford to buy a few things, but is that really helping? Is it really helping me? Hmmm, I guess this means I need to ask for a raise... that'll probably make me smile. Ear to ear baby! Ear to ear...

hi Carol

Remember me last January? When you invited me to your b-day party? Haha, I thought you were so pretty. I remember that night so well... YOU caked ME! At YOUR party! So uncalled for... but I can't say I didn't like it lol. Then I remember that weekend was like our first "date." We went out to shop at GSP, we took a bunch of pics on photobooth, story of our lives haha. Then Archetypus... as usual. I remember I was always nervous with you. Those nights at the pier. I was nervous even while spending 45 minutes at 7-11 picking out the candy to take to the pier. And I was especially nervous when we would sit under that gazebo and talk, talk and talk our lives away. I learned so much more about you. How much of a caring person you are and how dedicated you are, and how focused you were, and how you were so sure of yourself. I fell for you almost immediately.

I think if we had one of those polls from high-school; "Changed the most." I think I'd definitely be the winner. I used to be the tubby Asian kid that always wore a hoody (NVOT hoody) and baggy Tommy Hilfiger jeans. I'm not sure how much I've changed in a fashion sense, but I think there's a definite change now. You've also taught me the importance of being driven. Having a goal in life. I remember not having a goal. Well, I had goals, but my goals were mostly weekly goals. Like; get an X amount of wins in Warcraft 3, or play an X number of hours of basketball a week. Now, I know what I want in life and I have a good idea of how to get it. All I care about now is achieving that goal- for myself, and for you. I want to be able to show you the man that I become. The man that you helped turn me into. Who knows, maybe I'll grow up to be a writer. Maybe I'll be a pretty successful businessman, or a lawyer. Whatever it is, I want you to be there to share that feeling of success with me. I want you to be proud of me, and I want you to see me as a respectable, admirable man.

I know I'm not the best boyfriend in the world Carol, but you must know by now that I do care about you a lot. And yes, you don't like it when I do things like this and publicize our relationship like this, but my love for you is no secret. This is for YOU, not for anybody else. And no, today is not some special day that you forgot about, so don't worry. Its just another consecutive day of

what a wonderful world

Eva Cassidy (February 2, 1963 – November 2, 1996)

There's something about the way she sings this song that makes me just stop everything and watch her sing. Simply listening to her singing does not do justice, her body language, and expressions speak volume. This wasn't her final live performance, but her last performance before her death was this exact song "What a Wonderful World."


I see trees that are green, red roses too
I watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

I hear babies cry, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more, than I'll ever know

And I think to myself, ohh what a wonderful world

The colours of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of the people passing by
I see friends shaking hands, saying, "how do you do?"
But they're really saying, "I love you"

Did she really mean it? Did she truly believe that this world was such a wonderful place? I believe she did mean it. I like to believe that there are people out there that are living their lives to the fullest. Even near the end of their lives, whether they are binded by the deathly grip of cancer, or simply at the end of their cycle, they never took this world for granted. Watched the flowers bloom for you and me, and told themselves that they wouldn't trade it for anything.

I'll admit, when I first came across this video, I almost just pressed the 'Back' button. First of all, she kinda looked creepy in the beginning, and I just thought, what could this fragile-looking woman possibly do here? Then about 30seconds in, my heart sank. Just listening to her voice, her eyes looking into the audience, singing with her soul. I love it.

Things like this really pick me up. I had a pretty crummy day today. Woke up to a terribly gloomy day. I guess I fell asleep with no shirt on, so when I woke up, it was kind of cold, and my throat hurt (not cool). Tried calling my gf to make sure she woke up on time to get ready for class and stuff. And I don't know, but for some reason, this morning I just felt really down. After I got ready, I had my 30minute commute to get to school in the heavy rain. Sat through my first class. My gf called while I was in class, so I couldnt pick up, which made me feel really bad. Then I get to CALC (frking HATE calc), and I get my test back. 49%. LOL. I need to really get myself together now. But anyways, I just needed a really good pick-me-up all day today, and nothing really hit the spot until this.

It's really been hard to keep that "never give up" mentality these days. Maybe I'm just going through a quarter-life-crisis lol. That time in your life where it's time to define yourself. Who/what is Alex Kang?

I remember when I was all about video games, basketball, music and driving my car. Well, that's during the semester. During break, it was about staying up late, game-planning at Dunkin Donuts till the morning sometimes. Playing video games, card games, beer pong, drinking games and all that silly stuff. The only times I was ever down was when I was lonely, and that was solved by simply driving to the basketball court and meeting the guys I played ball with. Honestly, there wasn't much that I needed to make me happy again. I don't know what it is I need these days. Basketball doesnt do it. Driving around doesnt do it. Meeting people... kinda does it, but its a very short-term thing.

Who am I now? What defines me? What are my interests? What are my hobbies? What are my goals? My asperations? What do I wake up in the morning for? Does Alex Kang really wake up to go to work at Blinglights? Does Alex wake up every morning to further himself at BCC? What have I become...?

I hope one day (soon) I can find the answers to these questions. I hope one day I can learn to appreciate the things in life. I hope one day I can watch the flowers bloom, watch the colors of the rainbow and just soak it all in and Love Life. One day I hope to be able to say "what a wonderful world" and really mean it.

Should I refuel?

This is how I feel today. Empty. I'm over being angry. I'm so over being depressed. I am over being disappointed. I think I've learned that life is difficult and no one just hands you a lemon to make lemonade... that's just preposterous! And if some stranger does offer you a lemon, it's either the most sour lemon ever, or its just straight up poison.

So I'm empty now... but should I refuel? Should I fill up with anger? Or depressing emotions? Or disappointment?

Well, I'd like to fill up with joy. Maybe fill up with some satisfaction. And what I want most is; Desirability or admirably. I'd like to be accepted. Maybe its because I'm a major attention whore or something, but I just don't like rejection. I don't like being out of the loop.

Usually, when I'm down, I used to go out and play some basketball. Basketball was my remedy for all sorts of illnesses, physical and emotional illnesses. However, it's just not the same anymore. I've lost that competitive edge. And when I first started working at Blinglights and I was feeling down, I'd just wait till I get paid on Saturday, then hit up the mall or online shop for hours. Just splurge on myself, whatever I felt like having, I got it. But lately, I can buy new things, for example, I just got a new phone... I should be ecstatic, but I'm really indifferent about it. No happiness or excitement.

...I know what makes me happy, and excited, and satisfied. A MCDONALD's CONE!!!


yummy yummy yummy nomnomnom :)

Civil War: Blinglights Shipping Dept.

So all day, these two have been arguing about eachother's bossiness. Young would come to me ever hour or so and complain how annoying Sean is and how he can't stand him (Young is a very annoying, and intolerable being as well, so it was amusing for me to witness such a power struggle between the two specimens). So for lunch we all ordered Chinese food. I'm getting ahead of myself... BEFORE lunch, Sean had bokkum bab, but didn't like it so he gave it to Young. Young ate it within 120seconds of having it in his hands (He eats as if he has never seen food before, its quite grotesque, he will never get married). So after eating Sean's bokkum bab, Young (surprisingly) is full and cannot finish his Chinese food during lunch and places his food in the fridge. So the battle begins...

Young Kim

VS.

Sean Nahm
(this is not an actual photograph of Sean Nahm, but a very accurate representation)

THE ULTIMATE PRIZE

4:15pm: Sean takes Young's food out of the fridge and has it in his hands, pretending to eat it. Young, in an extremely effeminate fashion, scolds Sean for taking other people's food and snatches the General Tso's and places it safely into the fridge once again.

4:17-4:20pm: Sean is trying to convince Young that he is hungry and if he had money he would pay Young for the food. One of Sean's arguments is that Young ate his bokkum bab, at this point Young miraculously remembers that Sean have GIVEN him the food voluntarily and counter-acts with said argument. Sean is speechless.

4:21pm: Sean approaches the fridge, with Young and eats ONE piece of chicken. I ask what is going on and Young divulges the terms of the agreement, which is; Sean is allowed ONE piece of chicken to basically STFU for the rest of the day.

4:21pm: Sean breaks the terms of agreement and immediately opens his mouth to expose to the office his most annoying voice in order to gain a leverage over the terms; which is to consume even more chicken. Young disagrees and both walk away from the fridge.

4:24pm: Young approaches the fridge and tells me that he is taking the food with him to the post office, because Sean has finally gone over the edge, and threatened to eat his food while he is absent. I offer Young protection and ease his worrying.

4:26pm: Young leaves for post office.

4:33pm: Young's plate is now missing one more piece of chicken. (Photo N/A)
Sean 1 - Young -1

4:35pm: Sean Nahm is hungry...
Sean 2 - Young -2

4:37pm: I'm hungry...
Alex 1 - Young -3

4:40pm: Young arrives at the warehouse and checks the fridge. As expected, he does not bother to open up the container to see that a good portion of his meal is missing.

Final Result
Sean Nahm 3
Alex Kang 1
Young Kim -4


WINNER
Sean Nahm

Just Shades of Grey

Been really down these days. Just can't seem to find one or two things to blame for the spiraling of my emotions. Like a child losing his puppy, or a father burying his only son. Just really deep thoughts of loss. I feel like my stocks have dropped a million points (referring to a line graph obviously). I feel like life has become a mundane ritual. Nothing I do to "spice" it up works. I try eating at new restaurants, meeting new people, expanding my horizons to reading new types of books, watching different types of movies, listening to a wider range of music... expanding my repertoire isn't the key, but what is? What is the cause of these [lack of] emotions? It's not necessarily sadness, or depression. It's that there is no emotion these days. Playing basketball is not the same, it's lost its excitement. Wing night has lost it's flavor. The thought of school ending in a short month has lost it's thrill. Driving recklessly has lost it's flair. I feel empty inside. No one has shown me anger in so long. I have not received any compassion. No sympathy. No love. I want to be longed for. I long for the feeling of being wanted. I yearn for companionship. I think I need to get away. All work and no play has got Alex all jumbled up inside.

I've tried pretty hard to be a good person. I try my best to keep people pleased, and Yes, I am a crowd-pleaser. I've worked hard to earn my money. I've worked hard to support myself and my family. And I am constantly vying to gain the respect and love of that special someone. I have also worked hard to become the person I am today. I may not be the richest, kindest, smartest, most handsome guy in the world, but I think I'm playing up to par.

Yea, I don't make 6 figures, but I make enough to pay for my own car, pay for my own clothes, afford food for myself, and I do like a nice meal in the city with my lady friend. I'm not the nicest person, especially to idiots like Young Kim and Sean Nahm, but I do care when I see a homeless person. I do care that 75% of students at BCC are there because of financial problems. I do care that people are losing money in the stock market. I do care when someone is feeling ill. I do care when someone gets a ticket. I'm far from bring the smartest person ever... but I can tell you alot of random things (I can't think of any right now, but trust me, I am random lol). And we all know, I am no model. I try to dress up and look all spiffy at times. Sometimes it works and I get some compliments, but sometimes I end up embarrassing myself for my lack of fashion knowledge. 70% of the time, my outfits are considered fashio faux pas haha... but whatever?

I guess the important thing here is that I'm trying. But one can only try so hard until he gives up. Why do I work so hard? Sure I get to eat, but then I get fat. Sure I'm kind and caring, but does anyone give me any acknowledgements for this kindness? I am intelligible in some aspects, but I dont see any rewards for this. I think it's important we as people start showing eachother some emotion. I often hear that I am TOO sensitive, especially for a guy, but what's wrong with that? Just because I'm a guy I can't care? Just because I'm a guy, I can't blog about my feelings. Well if thats what you believe, then I am the "gayest" guy ever I suppose. But let me tell you, this "gay" guy is anything buy gay (Bright or lively, especially in color), because lately, the only color I see is grey. So all the aspects that make up Alex, and my personality is just simply shades of grey.

I think I need a sunrise, I'm so tired of the sunset...

Just another beautiful day wasted. Sat in this chair for 9hours. Is $108 worth a full day's worth of sunshine? At least give me a chance to take in the sunset please. Give me a chance to relive my childhood for even 5 minutes... I think I have time today to shoot around for a little before my conference with GetOnTheCouch.
But what is all this for? To pave a golden pathway to a successful career? Hopefully all this will amount to something in the end, maybe a tall mound of money? Maybe a happy, stress-free life. I know I said money does buy happiness, and it does. I will buy a nice car, I will one day buy my family a nice house, and a playground for the kids to play in. I will buy them the best education money can buy, and their success will bring me an amount of joy I thought was not posible. But, time is precious, and priceless... all the money in the world can't buy me yesterday or today. It can't buy me sunshine during my darkest times. What do I do when its dark at night and I need the sun to play with? Where do I go?

Been searching for a while now...

for that missing piece in my life...
where is it?